


Fizzma

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 12:29:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17642828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: Hey everyone! I fixed The Last Jedi by turning it into a sex parody.





	Fizzma

               “Rey. Where’s Rey? I have to find her!”

               Finn crept through the halls, trying to find his way to the escape pods. He was so delirious from his medical treatment that he thought this would actually work somehow.

               He heard someone crying. “Hello?”

               It was a young woman. Despite her frumpy uniform, Finn could see she was nice and curvy underneath.

               “—doing here?”

               “W-hat?” said Finn.

               “What are you doing here? Wait a second, are you Finn?”

               “Uh, yes,” said Finn, flexing his muscles.

               “Wow! I’m, like, such a huge fan!”

               Finn gulped. “Oh, thank you, that’s cool…so, what’s your name?”

               “Rose. Rose Tico.”

               “Why are you crying, Rose?”

               “I just read the script, and I’m dreading the Canto Bight scene.”

               “That bad, huh?”

               “Yep. Also, I’m supposed to be tazing all the idiots trying to escape this train wreck of a film. Speaking of which, why are you here?”

               Finn struggled to find an excuse. “Well, you know, I was going for a walk and—”

               “Oh my God, are you pitching a tent right now?”

               Indeed he was, and had been ever since he had woken up. “Sorry about that…”

               Rose stopped crying. “Are you just looking for some private space?”

               Finn latched on to this excuse. “I figured this part of the ship would be deserted.”

               Rose gave him an earnest look. “You know, by the end of the movie, we’re supposed to fall in love.”

               Finn tried to give her a dashing look. “True love should never wait.”

               While they were getting busy, all the escape pods were stolen by fleeing extras.

 

***

               After, Finn lay snuggled with Rose, watching her amazing tits rise and fall with each breath. He thought back to his days with the First Order, and his first sexual experience.

               “FN-2187, you have failed inspection. Report to chamber 0069 for punishment and discipline.”

               Captain Phasma always singled him out for verbal abuse. It didn’t matter if the entire regiment was in their identical armor in parade formation. She could always spot him.

               “Reporting for punishment, sir,” said Finn.

               “Yes, I see,” said the Captain. “You’ve been naughty. So very, very naughty.”

               Finn shifted nervously on his feet.

               “FN-2187, remove your uniform.

               He did as he was ordered, and was surprised by what he saw with his helmet off. Chamber 0069 wasn’t an interrogation room, it was an officers’ private spa. And Phasma stood naked before him.

               She wasn’t pretty in the traditional sense, marred as she was by veiny muscles and battle scars. But it turned out she had been hiding one of the finest sets of tits and ass in the galaxy under that shiny armor of hers.

               “FN-2187, you are sporting an unauthorized erection. Prepare to receive your punishment.”

               He did exactly as she told him.

 

***

               Rey followed Kylo Ren to the throne room and was shocked by what she found inside.

               “Why are you dressed like Hugh Hefner?” she blurted out.

               Snoke took a long luxuriant drag from his hookah pipe. “Leave us,” he ordered.

               Kylo Ren followed the crimson guards back out the door, stopping only to look back at Rey with a long, sexually frustrated glance.

               “Come, sit here with Pappy,” said Snoke.

               Rey thought that was a weird thing to say, but it did intrigue her. She climbed up the throne and plopped down on Snoke’s lap, stealing a turn at the hookah pipe.

               “There’s a good lass. Now tell me, you came here of your own free will. Isn’t it true that Skywalker is a worthless teacher?”

               Rey considered this. “No, not quite. I mean, he taught me all about love…”

               Snoke reared back his ugly head and laughed like a madman. “That perverted old coot! I should have known. Was he any good in bed?”

               Rey looked sheepish. “Actually, he was.”

               “Then why’d you leave him?”

               “He ran out of pills. Also, he has this weird fetish about sea creatures with udders.”

               Snoke laughed even harder.

               “Hey, um, Lord Snoke,” began Rey, “I was wondering, why do you have that huge crease in your head?”

               “I cannot recall. Whatever event induced it also induced amnesia.”

               “That’s not a very satisfying answer!”

               “No shit. That’s what everybody was saying about _The Last Jedi_.”

               Now it was Rey’s turn to laugh.

               “Does that scar go any further, or is it just localized to your face?”

               “Take a look, child,” said Snoke slyly.

               After a moment Rey found her courage and opened Snoke’s golden robes. Sure enough, the scar traveled the length of his body, zig-zagging left and right, and terminating at his crotch. She was pleasantly surprised to find that rather than splitting his cock in twain, he had instead regenerated two of them, along with some comically oversized balls.

               “Give in to the Dark Side,” whispered Snoke.

               “Woof,” said Rey.

 

***

               “This is what I get for skipping whole scenes.”

               Finn was being frog-marched with Rose through Snoke’s capital ship. A familiar voice approached.

               “FN-2187, your life is forfeit.” Captain Phasma regarded the prisoners’ escorts. “You troopers are dismissed to your regular posts. I shall deal with these traitors personally.”

               “Yes, ma’am!” said the stormtroopers. They goose-stepped directly into a hail of blaster bolts in another scene.

               Finn and Rose followed Captain Phasma. He felt a thrill of nervous energy as he saw the sign over the door of their destination: chamber 0069.

               “You will now be strip-searched, prisoners.” The Captain set about her task with utmost efficiency.

               “Now for a more intimate physical examination. Hmm, I should think some sapphic-inspired cuckoldry is in order.”

               “Woof,” said Finn.

               “Woof,” said Rose.


End file.
